From birth to age seven we define what love is. We determine whether love is a suffocating obsession or a casual hug, or maybe nothing more than an unconditional smile and an innate sense that others love us. As children, what we define it to be, then has an action associated with it. So, later in life we get to “well, if he really loved me he would do…….” “She must not love me anymore because she no longer ……. ” We place love in levels of “doing” not “feeling”. This can be a danger zone for relationships because our expectations and associations of love are running an emotional scorecard of whether it is a good relationship or not. I talk more about this in my book.
People show their love in many ways based on what they accumulated from their “tribe”or family. Instead of judging we must be sensitive in understanding the conditioning that was used to define love. My husband learned that showing your love for another person was reserved for behind the bedroom door. Expressing love was to be kept in private. This was not about his heart but about what his mind had acquired from his upbringing what love is and what it is not, it did not make him an unloving person.
Relationships new and old, require an overhaul of how love is really defined for each other. Is it time to redefine the conditioning that you came in with? A good question to ask your partner is “What are your associations that you apply to love?” This will help you to understand the land mines that have been set to “test” your love for another person.
It’s complicated to go back to the first seven years of your life and try to decipher your built in “love code”. I recommend that couples clear out the conditioning and come up with new associations of love. One of my clients asked me, so what is the best way to show I love my wife?” The spirits responded, “See her like a new puppy every day, no matter what she does there is no judging, there are no rules to love, only love.” His response was “now, if she pees on the carpet, then what?”, my response was….Depends. More discussions like this in my course.
Sedona is the perfect place to re-boot your relationship. Call me if you would like to plan a private retreat. Learn more about your “tribe” here: