When we come into this world we arrive with a well-designed path of obstacles, a sort of divine course curriculum that takes us through this journey called life. The obstacles are all part of the plan, our “karma”.
Everyone we meet on the planet is a teacher, but the biggest teachers are those we fall in love with. Being in a relationship is when the tenured professor shows up to teach the big karma. Big karma is experiencing big emotions and what better place than a relationship to figure that out. After our honeymoon, we walk into the Baskin and Robbins of love where we find the 31 flavors of fear. We place our order for the big five, two scoops of wanting to control everything, some blame, a double scoop of judging, some possessiveness and then a thick sauce of jealousy on top. If we really want to splurge we will head for the toppings and load it up with unruly expectations so that we are assured of experiencing pain and suffering. We now have the emotional karma special.
Our culture never prepares us for learning the lessons of the heart. Instead, we keep focusing on the illusion when the real purpose is that relationships are really a set up for karma 101. The reason for so much failure is that we do not understand the purpose of a relationship. We mostly see it as a convenient arrangement to fulfill what is missing in ourselves. This results in a walk into the school of hard knocks.
When we meet someone, there it is, the whole ice cream sundae to take a bite of. Little do we know that it is an opportunity to taste the sweet but also the bitter futility of expectations. The hidden agenda is our chance to raise our consciousness above the fear by losing our grip on the big five. Another looming pitfall is when you attach yourself to changing someone. It is like signing up for a chemistry class and wanting to learn French, you are not going to get what you want. If you stay attached to the illusion of wishing that the other person aligns with the illusion you have so carefully created you are doomed. When a relationship is weak it is because someone wants it all for themselves. When there are no expectations, the relationship survives and is strong.
You got to get down to the soul level, the place of the vibration of the heart. It requires deep digging into the fear based emotions that drive us into divorce. Every relationship is destroyed by one or more of the big five, leaving two souls wondering what the hell went wrong. Since the soul holds the key to this karmic navigation, when you ask it what went wrong it will probably say “you idiots, it wasn’t about getting the perfect grade it was about the lessons learned’. What the soul really cares about are the lessons of the heart and how you did with the big 5 karma.
I have worked with many couples who are married and over fifty. Many find themselves in relationships that are stagnant and drowning in disappointment since they had relied on a well designed expectation system. As a result, the spark is gone. When I am counseling them on getting back to the perfect relationship I suggest a soul to soul meeting and to ask themselves the following questions:
- Look deep into the eyes of the other person and ask them, what did you come to earth to teach me?
- What were the expectations you had when we were first together? What are your expectations now?
- Ask them to describe their feelings about a pet or someone they love very much. This will help to understand their definition of unconditional love.
- Ask your partner what is their greatest fear about the relationship. Most arguments are based on fear.
Listen carefully without judging the answers and instead see this time as an opportunity to learn and experience the deepest of emotions. Explore the fear, abandon the self-imposed outcomes and increase the odds through wisdom and acceptance. Keep reminding yourself that expectations are futile and rise above the fear. A successful outcome all depends on loving someone without conditions. A relationship that is based on learning, never dies.
During my marriage, I survived many challenging times by looking across the breakfast table at my husband and reflecting on all the things that I had learned from him. He had enhanced who I was and helped me to grow into the person I had become through the good and the bad. I was a better person in many ways because he was in my life. It was worth the effort.
The final fear that often lingers is the fear of loneliness, something more to master since this breeds attachment. Unconditional love is not about possessing someone or an acquisition. The greatest expression of loving someone is that you are willing to set them free. If you walk away, take with you the karmic lessons and pack your gratitude and move on with the knowledge that the journey with that wonderful soul is now complete.
Life is for learning and relationships get top billing on the scale of Karma.
From the other side of life,
Lori